WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????

I told you I can now be found at www.blogbyfattom.com.  If you hurry, you can still be the first to actually SUBSCRIBE to my blog.

Important Announcement….drum roll please!

Okay gang,  I know some of you have asked for an update on our situation.  Where are we going to live? Texas? California?  Some place entirely different? What will Tom do for work?  Stay in the mortgage industry? Become a model for “Big and not so Tall’s” permanent sweater collection? Will he ever write a funny post on this blog?  Well our prayers have been answered.  Here are the answers to all of your questions….wait…If I just tell you, that’s too easy.  Okay, if you want to know any of those answers, you’ll have to go to www.blogbyfattom.com

Yes…I’m serious…what are you waiting for???  Think of it like an early Christmas treasure hunt (just don’t plan on finding any treasure).  If you hurry, you might even be the very first person on my new site!!!!

Hey, hey, heyyyy, it’s Fattttt Tom (…and his 7 wives)

Yesterday at the gym I saw something kind of disturbing, and no…it wasn’t a mirror.  I was in the cardio area where they have several televisions.  One of them had Fox News on and it was in closed captioning mode so you could read what the commentator was saying.  They were talking about Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney and his religious beliefs (Romney is a Mormon).  I was a little shocked to see the words come across the screen, “… they believe in the Bible and the Book of Mormon which is the other testament of Jesus Christ.  Christians believe this is the inerrant word of God.”  What???  Did I just read that right???

Like I said, the volume wasn’t on so I didn’t actually hear what was said.  Maybe the person typing the close captioning just made a mistake…but then again, maybe it was no mistake.  If you ask a person of the Mormon faith, they will gladly tell you that they are Christians.  They sound like Christians.  They believe Jesus is the son of God and he is the savior of mankind.  They look like Christians.  Actually, most of them look and live more like Christians, than most Christians.  Heck, if you put me in a police line-up with 5 Mormons, and someone had to pick which one of us is not Christian, I’d be in some serious trouble.  My prison sentence of course would have to be two years going door to door in a shirt and tie.

There are a LOT of misconceptions and falsehoods believed about the Mormon religion.  Hopefully, I can clear some of it up right here.  First,  the religion was started by a fraud.  In 1826, Joseph Smith was charged with being an impostor and brought to trial in New York.  He supposedly found some golden plates with a seerstone, which was thought to be a magical device used to help find lost objects.  This seerstone was also used by the Smith family on treasure-hunting trips they took.  Joseph Smith couldn’t take the golden tablets, which were engraved in “Reformed Egyptian,” but he did copy the characters off of it.  This was shown to scholars at Rutgers and Columbia, but those idiots couldn’t make any sense of it.  Mormons don’t practice polygamy.  They did for almost 50 years, until  in 1890 they finally realized, why in the heck would anyone want more than one wife.  In his defense, Joseph Smith didn’t want to announce the covenant of plural marriage but he was told by God that he would be punished if he didn’t go public with it.   The Mormons got that right a lot quicker than the race issue.  For almost 150 years, Blacks were thought to be cursed so the “blessings of the priesthood” were withheld from them.  Hmmm…maybe that would be a good curse.

One of the big reasons why Mormons cannot be considered Christians is their beliefs differ from the core beliefs of Christianity.  Christians believe in one God.  Mormons believe they can become gods.  What’s scary is they distort scripture to support this.  Where the Bible says “Man is made in the image and likeness of God,” the Mormons take it a step further.  Their scripture says “It is possible for man to become like God, to become deified, to become God by grace.”  No wonder their religion is growing so rapidly (estimated to reach 285 Million within the next 70 years or so), who wouldn’t want to become a god?  In fact, I’ll go on record right now, calling dibs that I get to be the God of Blogs (no tap tap, no black magic- even if you have a seerstone, and no erasies on that one).

Part of the confusion might stem from the Trinity.  Christians believe that their are basically three parts of God: God the Father, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit.  Although their might be three parts, it is still one God. Mormons believe in the Godhead, that they are three different Gods.  I blame Christians for the confusion.  We’ve always used the three leafed clover to illustrate the trinity.  Their might be three leafs, but it is still only one clover.  This might work for the Irish, but how many Irish Mormons do you know?  So I’ve taken it on myself, as future God of the Blogs, to explain it so even the non-Irish can understand. 

Think of Bill Cosby, Dr. Huxtable, and Fat Albert (yeah…that’s right, Fat Albert of “Hey, hey, heyyyy, it’s Fatttt Albert” fame).  Bill Cosby was Fat Albert, but he was still Bill Cosby.  He was also Dr. Huxtable, but even then he was still Bill Cosby.  Fat Albert was fully a comic character (I’m not even going to dignify that 2004 movie attempt at making him human).  Jesus was fully human, yet was still fully God.  When Jesus left the earth, he left us the Holy Spirit.  When Fat Albert left TV, he was later replaced by Dr. Huxtable.  Even as I’m sure the reruns of Dr. Huxtable will be TV Land tonight, Fat Albert, Dr. Huxtable, and Bill Cosby are all one being.  Ummm…before I upset just about everyone, I think I better move on.

There is one more interesting thing about the Mormon religion (they prefer to be called Latter Day Saints or LDS by the way) that needs to be explained before I get back to Mitt Romney.  Christianity figures the closer you can get to the source, the more accurate it is.  Take the Bible for example, their are over 1000 original manuscripts remaining today.  Let’s say someone found a “Bible” today that says Jesus used to fly around  wearing a cape and wore pajamas with a big S on the middle of his chest.  Well, we could look at the manuscript evidence and quickly say, “Uhhh….I don’t think so!”  Not so with the Mormon religion.  The Mormons believe that because of the “apostasy” of the early church, you cannot rely on the original source.  So Mormons are actually opposite of Christians in this regard.  They believe the further you get from the original source, the more authentic it is.  It doesn’t matter what a written record by someone a lifetime after Jesus says, it matters what the current president of the Mormon Church says.  For he is “the living prophet, seer, and revelator to the Church.”  If he says Jesus wore the PJ’s with the big S, he wore them.

That is why Mitt Romney is making the news today.  What if the “living prophet” has a revelation concerning how Romney should use his power?  This isn’t a political blog so you can make up your own mind as to how much you need to be concerned about this.  Romney won’t be the last Mormon to run for president and he isn’t the first.  Joseph Smith  was actually the first Mormon to run for president.  He actually announced that he was running for president only about 1.5 years after being arrested for being an accomplice to the attack on the life of the governor of Missouri.    And we thought today’s candidates were bad!

Anyway, if this isn’t a political blog, what’s the point of this long-winded post?  The point is opportunity…and lots of it!  As Romney makes the news, it is going to generate discussion.  We are going to have the opportunity to discuss why we don’t feel Mormons are Christians, why we feel that the BIBLE is the word of God, and most importantly we are going to have an open door to talk about the hope we have in Jesus Christ.  As we get these opportunities to discuss our faith,  we need to remember to do it in love.  Throwing spiritual rocks doesn’t help us win anyone to the kingdom of God.  Take some time and educate yourself on their beliefs.  Better yet, take some time and take a course on Christianity. It might not help you earn a degree, but at least it will give you less time to waste reading blogs that use Fat Albert to explain the Trinity…hey, hey, HEYYYY!

In loving memory of Chirp (11/24/07-12/06/07)

I’ve been having a dream of my own funeral lately.  Everyone gets a chance to stand up and read their favorite post from my blog.  Quickest funeral ever.

I was probed by Aliens again!!!!

Okay, I might not have a job, but I’ve got a big head.  It turns out a couple of people actually do read this thing.  I was telling my wife, “Wow, I got three comments this is the most response I’ve ever had.”  “Well…” my wife said, “…you had something traumatic happen so people are concerned.”  So from now on, all blog entries are going to be extremely over-sensationalized.  Hence, the alien probing.  It didn’t really happen as  I had to draw the line somewhere.  I just told the little guy, “Yeah…I’m very impressed that your finger lights up, but you just keep it to yourself!”

Yesterday after I left my place of employment for the last time, I thought to myself, “What am I going to do tomorrow?”  I’ve been waking up and going to some sort of mortgage job every day for almost 10 years…now what?  Well, now that it as about half way through the day, I have my answer of what people do on their first day of unemployment.    It basically consists of talking to a wise man and sweating with about 50 women in tights.

The wise man is my Pastor,  Dr. Wayne Braudrick.  I’ve been extremely blessed in the sense of having some very, very good Pastor’s in my day.  In my six years of being a Christian, I’ve been Pastored by the best of them.  Some of the men I have had the privilege of seeing and hearing include: Chuck Swindoll, Jack Graham, Rick Warren, Chuck Smith,  Reverend Lovejoy (just seeing if you are paying attention), and Pete and Stuart Briscoe.  ALL of them are extremely gifted at serving the Lord, but Pastor Wayne Braudrick is in a class of his own.  For those of you who haven’t had the privilege of meeting Pastor Wayne of Frisco Bible Church, think of….mmm… maybe Yoda.  Pastor Wayne is probably even wiser than Yoda, but Yoda has more wrinkles and is probably a little taller than Pastor Wayne. 

Pastor Wayne, in his infinite wisdom, said, “Tom, we would be thrilled to have you guys back!  We would kill the fattest calf and welcome you guys back here with open arms.”  Now, I’m not sure why he would threaten my life like that, but sometimes he’s just crazy.  “But…” he continued, “we would be just as thrilled if you went somewhere else that you felt the Lord was leading you.”  As our conversation went on, he hit me with, “How could you best use the gifts God has given you?”  Hmm…very good question Jedi-Master.

When it comes to gifts God has given me, I think I might have been cheated.  I got stuck with the very uncool gift of tongues.  Well…I think I did anyway.  It’s either that or my wife is right and I actually do mumble.  Nahhh…I’m pretty sure my wife can’t be right (not at least that I’m going to admit to publicly anyway).  So…what gifts do I have and how can I use them for God’s glory?  That might be the question of the day for this 1st day of unemployment.

After getting off the phone with Pastor Wayne, my wife and I took our kids to school and then headed to the gym.  I was planning on doing something manly like pumping iron, but my wife asked if I wanted to do “Cardio kickboxing” with her.  So, I got a little aerobic workout in and since it went exactly like something I wrote about in my “book,” I figured I would just reprint it here free of charge.  This was from the chapter, “Buy some tights!”

            This weekend you need to go to an athletic apparel store, and get yourself some sort of leotard (a pink one maybe?).  Now I know some of you haven’t bought tights before, so here is my advice: Make sure the pair you buy accentuates your love handles (maybe neon pink even?).  While you are in there, go ahead and pick up some leg warmers and a headband.  As soon as your outfit is complete, you can start wearing it everywhere.

          Now go to the gym in your new outfit and spend the day scoping out when it is the most crowded.  You want to specifically look for Aerobics classes where it looks like the participants resemble sardines.  When you find one that looks completely packed, go right in (even if they are halfway through the class).  Now as you may or may not know, location is everything in an aerobics class.  Remember that neon pink leotard you just bought?  You want to make sure everyone gets to appreciate not only it, but also the love handles it is accentuating for you.

          For this reason, I usually want to make sure you go right to the front of the class.  You either want to start a new row three feet in front of the instructor or just go directly next to her.  Since she is facing the class, you probably should also.  Now that you are up there, start dancing your butt off!  The rest of the class has probably already been there before and they’ve got to practice being in sync.  Ignore them.  Show them your flashdance impression.  Let the music move you!  In fact, it probably isn’t a bad idea to sing loudly, “I’m a maniac, Maniac dancing on the floor.  And I’m dancin’ like I never have before!”          The rest of the class is going to be moving right, moving left, frontwards, backwards, making circles with their arms, and kicking their legs.  They are all going to basically be moving together.  This is good so that they don’t get in your way.  While they are making circles with their arms, you’ve become a fighter plane.  Stick your arms out to your sides and run up and down their rows making jet noises.  Feel free to weave in and out of the rest of the group and verbally “shoot down” anyone that gets in your way. 

          When they start kicking their legs, you start kicking your legs.  You’ve seen the Rockettes right?  Do a couple of their high kicks (feel free to lean on your aerobics instructor for support).  After a few of these, go ahead and let the class do their little kicks.  You should move right into a full-fledged karate routine.  Now as you kick and karate chop, don’t forget your loud, “HIIII-YAAA!” That’s it.  You’re done.  You’ve just completed your first aerobics class.  Bow to your instructor and then bow to the class.  You technically don’t have to bow to the big dumbell that is escorting you out of your first aerobics class, but you might want to remind him to get his hands off your leotard. 

Okay…now that we know what my talents aren’t (writing), I better go do something productive from my wife’s honey-do list that has been piling up for the past 9 1/2 years. 

Okay God, you can fill me in on the plan at any time….

Have you ever had a verse you just could not get out of your mind?  Well, my wife knows the feeling.  Everynight she calls to me, “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”  Then I come swinging down the vine in my leopard print outfit and say, “Me Fat Tom…You Stacey.”  Wait a minute…what am I talking about? Not that kind of verse. 

Everywhere I go these days, I am either seeing or hearing Jeremiah 29:11.  If you aren’t familiar with this verse, it says ”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  I cannot escape it.  Just yesterday morning I ate 29 pancakes with 11 sausages all smothered in Aunt Jeremiah syrup.   Okay…that didn’t happen yesterday, but I was layed off from my job today.

Some of you might think this is a terrible thing, especially right before Christmas.  I disagree.  When you think about it, what better time for a jolly fat man to be looking for a job?   This is probably my fault anyway.  You see, two days ago my wife and I prayed for a sign.  We’ve been really missing the Great State of Texas lately and have been wondering if we didn’t make a mistake moving out to California.  Besides having the beaches and the mountains, California is where our physical families reside.  However, Texas is where our Church Family is, where more of our friends are, and really where our hearts are.  Was this a “sign” that now is the time to move back?  I don’t know.

There is an old saying that basically says if you want to hear God laugh, tell him what your plans are.  We are praying for God’s will and for wisdom.  Somehow, I’ve always struggled with knowing what is God’s will, and what is Fat Tom’s will.  In Romans 12:2 the Bible tells us to “not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve and what God’s will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”  Okay…so what’s the pattern of this world?  Greed? Should my next job be the one that offers me the most money?  That would allow me to drive a nicer car and finally I might be able to keep up with those darn Jones’s.  I know how to be transformed by the renewing of my mind…I basically have to let my little pebble I call a brain marinate in God’s word.  A fat guy doing some marinating…shouldn’t be too big of a challenge.  Heck, God was even kind enough to allow me to now have plenty of time on my hands to literally soak in his word.  If I actually do it, maybe he’ll even let me in on his little secret plans he has for me to prosper.  If you want to say a prayer for your Fat Blogging Buddy, please feel free to do so.  Right now I’m just hoping for clarity, wisdom, and the strength to do God’s will…whatever that may be.

Living on Perrrvis

As you can imagine, with me having 4 daughters, there is no shortage of drama in our house.  Whether it is good or bad, there always seems to be something going on and it is usually happening in a dramatic fashion.  A perfect example of this happened just last week.

My 6 year old daughter came home with a new family pet.  She went on a run with my wife (technically, my wife was running while our daughter was scooting) and our little bug lover found a grasshopper.  She named this grasshopper that she thinks is a cricket, “Chirp.”  She excitedly came bursting in the door right in the middle of my 4 year old telling me for the 10th time, “She always get to go for a run with Mommy?  I NEVER get to do anything fun!”  My four year old was not happy to be interrupted by her sister that always gets to have fun, especially when she was yelling, “Daddy, Daddy…Look what I found on my run with Mommy…It’s a cricket!”  “I NEVER get to find crickets” cried my 4 year old.  To try to calm her down I mistakenly suggested , “Why don’t you go look at your sister’s cricket?”

Well after about five more minutes of whining, she agreed.  This made me happy because I was finally going to get to relax and watch the game.  She went out in the backyard where my six year old now had Chirp in a covered cup with some leaves and grass in it.  As soon as she lifted the lid of Chirp’s makeshift cage, he flew out of the cup and directly into my 4 year old’s hair.  I heard a loud scream and ran out to check on them, “What happened???” I asked.  My six year old started to explain, “I lifted the lid to show her Chirp and he flew right into her hair.  It was an accident!”  My four year old yelled her usual, “It wasn’t an accident…she did it on perrrvis!”

I think she might have been right.  My six year old is pretty bright and I’m sure she has spent at least half of her life learning the insect mind control technique.  It all just paid off when she used the force to get her “cricket” to attack her sister.  Makes sense to me…I think it really was on perrrvis.

Perrrvis…er…purpose seems to be playing a big part in my life right now.  My wife and I are in a small group in our church that is studying, “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren.  If you are not familiar with it, you can check out www.purposedriven.com for more information.  Come to think of it, if you don’t know who Rick Warren is you must be that same cave dwelling person who didn’t know who Ned Flanders was either.  Rick Warren is probably the only Christian alive more famous that Ned Flanders (however Rick joins me in not being able to hold a candle to Ned in the ripped abs category).

Anyway, the book basically explores why we are here.  It answers the questions of: What is our purpose for living? Is this life all there is?  What is the best way for me to be spending it? How do I develop closer friendships? And more importantly, how do I deepen my relationship with God? It’s not a self-help book as even the first sentence of the book is very telling.  It simply says, “It is not about you.”

Purpose.  It is such an important thing, yet it seems to elude so many of us.  We get busy and just start going through the motions.  One day turns into the next, then a year or two passes, and then the next thing you know you are a fat blogger looking for the meaning of life in a twinkie.  Although we are still living, a better description would be that we are merely existing.  We’re too busy to be living with any kind of real purpose.

I heard another Pastor discussing this issue on the radio this week.  He passed my broadcast evangelist test (basically, if they say “Jesus” they want to teach but if they “JEEZus” they want to leach), so I was listening to what he had to say.  He was talking about how when a farmer separates a chicken from his head and how the chicken continues to run in every direction.   That’s us… we’re chickens (okay, I might be a cow, but the rest of you are chickens).  We get separated from our head (God) and we run around and get very busy.  At work,  at school, at the malls, and even at our homes and our churches, we’re busy chickens  living without perrrvis.

So, I want to pray.  I want to pray for me and I want to pray for you.  I just want to pray that we’ll remember that it is God who formed us in the womb, and it is God that gave us life.  Since he is the one that gave us life, we should be living for him.  That should be our purpose.  And if we get too busy and forget this, I pray that he sends a whole swarm of Chirps to remind us.  Amen.

Wake up Christian Soldiers…(and stop distorting that verse!)

Okay, if you have read even one of my blog entries, you know I am not really a writer.  I actually do mortgages professionally.  The other day I was telling a customer what I was able to do for her.  The rate she qualified for was in the low 6% range for a 30 year fixed rate loan. Her reply,” Well, another company is giving me 4% for a 30 year fixed.” “They might be telling you that to get your business” I said, “but that’s not really possible right now.”  Her response, “ALL things are possible with Christ.”  I didn’t really say  anything back to her.  I just started banging my head on my desk and muttered, “Nooooo…not another one!!!!”

The verse she is referring to of course is Philippians 4:13.  It is one of the most encouraging verses in the entire Bible and one of my personal favorites.  In our day and age, however, it has also become one of the most distorted verses. I think you can find it at the bottom of  every one of those emails.  You know those emails I’m talking about right?  The ones that make you tear up by showing pictures of beautiful sunsets, daffodils, and doggies flying fighter jets, and then tell you if you don’t forward the email to everyone in your address book your little kitty-cat will die tomorrow. But, of course if you do forward it to everyone in your address book, you’ll win at least a million dollars in seven days because “all things are possible with Christ.”

What’s funny to me is the verse is almost always used when somebody wants something.  Hmmm…that’s exactly what Paul seemed to be saying.  In fact if you aren’t aware of the background, Paul wrote this when he was about to upgrade his trusty old work mule for a racing donkey.  He was then going to take his speedy donkey down to the track and use it to parlay his single drachma into 500 bushels of wheat and 250 gallons of olive oil because all things were possible with Christ.  You don’t believe me? Let’s look at the full text of Philippians 4:11-13: I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength.  Boy… and I thought I was greedy! 

I really am a believer of supporting Christian causes.  I will go out of my way to buy books written by Christians, listen to music with Christian lyrics, or even eat overpriced popcorn at movies with a Christian message (anyone know if that Reddenbacher fellow was a believer?)  As much as I want to help promote the kingdom, I still refuse to take the vow of suckerhood.  There is nothing wrong with being trusting, but I don’t think Jesus healed the blind just so they could then have the wool pulled over their eyes by so-called “Christian” businesses. 

I actually used to work at one of these places.  For obvious reasons, I’m not going to give any details on it, but I thought it would be great to work for a “Christian” company.  It didn’t take me long to realize that most of the people that worked there weren’t Christians.   Hmmm…I wondered why they would want to work for a “Christian” company if they themselves weren’t followers of Jesus.  “Like shooting fish in a barrel” one co-worker told me.  “I always charge the max fees because they never shop me” another one said referring to his trusting Christian clientele not doing any type of due diligence in the form of comparison shopping.   At first I rationalized it was okay for me to be there as long as I continued to do conduct my business with integrity. However, I had to leave when I was admonished for charging what still amounted to more than any secular company would charge.  I was actually called out of training that I was leading to be told, “We don’t do loans for free here!” 

This is obviously not the case with all “Christian” companies and I really don’t want to taint legitimate Christian business owners.  However, during my time there, I did discover that it is a lot more common that most people know.  Apparently, we Christians seem to be prone to being overly trusting, blindly believing, or just plain gullible.  I think Satan has got a special place in hell for those falsely using Jesus’ name to take advantage of us suckers, but it is time to wake up and stop making it so easy for them to take advantage of us.  We are giving new meaning to the old saying, “The devil played them for fools.”By the way, if you care about your kitty even a little bit, you’ll forward this blog to everyone in your address book!

Hi-diddly-Ho Neighbor!

My Family and I have been in our house almost four months, and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think I’m Ned Flanders.  If you live in a cave or something and don’t know who Flanders is, he is the Christian neighbor of Homer Simpson.   Ned and I differ from each other in at least three ways that I can think of: 1. Ned can take off his sweater. 2. Ned is actually pretty ripped under his sweater (he’s got the six pack where I opted for the (pony?) keg). 3. I think Ned is a better Christian than me.

Where Ned ‘s love for the Lord is as obvious as the “Kumbiyah” chiming from his doorbell, I conveniently waited until it was dark just to put out my “Wise Men still seek him” sign.  Ned only got angry with his wife when he had a really good reason (like when she mistakenly underlined verses in his bible),  I cannot even remember the last time I had a good reason to get angry with my wife (notice I didn’t say I cannot remember the last time I got angry with my wife).  Where Ned is a goofball for the Lord, I’m just a goofball.  Anyhoo, I think my neighbors know that I am a Christian and that I don’t smoke pot, so in their eyes, I am Ned Flanders.

 That’s fine with me because, with the exception of my occasional Blog reader, I’m not too into trying to impress others.  However, that’s not what living for Jees-diddly-esus is all about.  God put love your neighbor as yourself right behind Love your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.  That’s a good one God, but how???

My Pastor actually discussed this issue this past weekend.  He reminded us of how Paul lived.  Paul tells us how when he was with the Jews, he lived like a Jew.  He ate what they ate and did what they did in their presence.  However, when he was with the gentiles, he lived like the gentiles.  He didn’t do this because he was ashamed of his beliefs, he did this because of his beliefs.  He did it all to bring to people to Jesus.  “Find something in common, and let Jesus walk over the bridge” our Pastor reminded us.   So hopefully Jesus will be able to find the bridge through all of the smoke because my wife and I are going to start smoking pot to bring our neighbors to Christ.   Ummm…on second thought, maybe not.  I mean I’m sure it has it’s medicinal purposes, but it just isn’t our thing.  There’s got to be another pray…I mean, way.

Why am I not praying for my neighbors?  I mean every day I walk around my cul-de-sac with my sign that says, “Repent sinners!  Or you are all going to HELL!” on one side and simply “John 3:16″ on the other.  I don’t think they recognize me in my rainbow colored wig, but why do I get so caught up in my own world that I cannot see the needs of others?  Today I spent five hours over six meals, making sure I wasn’t going to wither away to nothingness (at one point I went almost two hours without eating…it actually was pretty scary).  Yet there are people in my own backyard going to bed hungry tonight.  Question for you: what are those people doing in my backyard and does anyone know a place where I can take my dog to get him trained to even remotely resemble a guard dog?

Anyway, as my dog works on eating my rainbow wig, I can work on good old fashion love.  I don’t have to slip God into every encounter I have with my neighbors.  Come to think of it, I think I might be getting a little carried away lately.  This past weekend my kids had some friends over for a slumber party at our house.  Being the hip Dad that I am, I took them toilet papering.  We picked three neighbors of ill repute, and and with TP wrote “Jesus Loves You” across their lawns.  Like many of my ideas,  it seemed like a good idea at the time.  How was I to know that the guy in the middle house would wake up at the crack of dawn and clean up his lawn.  I think if nothing else we had to at least have the rest of  the neighborhood scratching their heads when they came out to “Jesus     You.”  To make matters worst, I couldn’t even fess up to it the next day.  I had to tell everyone that I just saw a show on the Discovery channel about aliens getting bored with crop circles and now they were moving on to leaving messages with  toilet paper.

Anyway, I guess I di-diddly-digress. I need to pray for my neighbors to come to know Christ.  I need to be there just showing normal (not religious goofball) love.   Someday they will have something happen in their lives that may make them even temporarily open to hearing about God.  If I don’t screw-diddly-ew up the day to day neighbor things, they might even accept one of my invitations to Church, Bible Study, or Small Group. Heck, even Homer finds himself in the Lord’s house from time to time right? You betcha!

The Great Costco in the Sky

Some people like their mini-marts, still others like their malls, but me, I’m a Costco guy.  In fact my whole family, is a Costco family.  What most people call samples, my kids call dinner (four times a week).  Where else can you get a jug of licorice to go with your 50 rolls of toilet paper?  Yep…to me, Costco is just like heaven.  Come to think of it, heaven is exactly like Costco.

Heaven, like Costco, has its different sections.  What section you end up in Costco Heaven, depends on what denomination you were on Earth.  The Baptists have already called dibs on the bottled water section.  The Lutherans, with their “Sola Scriptura” philosophy, have the book section.  The Catholics, having to wait in a longer line than the rest of us to get in, at least lucked out with two sections.  Due to dealing with a lifetime of uncomfortable pews, they were rewarded with the furniture section and as an added bonus, they also have access to the fish section on Fridays.  The Amish have secured the electronics department and you cannot keep the evangelicals off the intercom system.  The Pentecostals handle the hose section, but the worst of all of them has to be the non-denominationalists.  They demand two sections.  Same denomination…er…I mean non-denomination, but the smaller one thinks the mega-section is way too big for the people in it to really be convicted.  The mega section thinks that the smaller non-denominational section doesn’t care about the non members enough to help them get a membership and heck maybe even start sharing the furniture section (a spot on the mega couch with the catholics perhaps?)  Do we belong to the sections that do their part in making sure outsiders don’t get in.  After-all, why should we tell people about our little secret?  We’re fat (at least I am), we’re comfortable (when wifey let’s me have the bowl of chips AND the remote) and WE’RE IN -so who cares about everyone else?!?

The people in these sections, basically do the same things and worship the same God, but they do it differently.  Because of their differences, they have put up walls in their sections of Heaven.  These walls allow them to talk about the other denominations in private so they can confidently say where the others are all wrong and they are right.  Of course the people from all of these denominations can mingle and co-exist with each other Monday through Saturday, but Sundays must be spent only with people that are in their section of Costco Heaven.

What?  You aren’t buying it?  This would never happen in Heaven, you say? Then why does it happen on Earth.  Why, in our “Christian” Nation of America, is Sunday the most divided day of the week?  For some reason we seem to have a Church superiority complex.  If someone mentions their church to us, we feel compelled to let someone know why our church is better than theirs.  You like Country, I like Rock and Roll.  Does that necessarily mean that Rock and Roll is better than Country?  Absolutely!  Trust me, I lived in The Great State of Texas for 3.5 years, that music stinks!  So, I guess the point of this posting is just to notify you that if your Church isn’t the same size and color as mine and if it doesn’t play the same style of  music as mine, I might have to love you, but I don’t have to like you.  In fact, I’m going to let management know that I think they should revoke your membership, just because the picture on your card is so ugly.  HA!  I hope wherever you are going, they sell TP by the sheet.   Being different from me…what a whacko!  Hurry up and leave my comfort zone so I can talk about you when you are gone.