I was probed by Aliens again!!!!

Okay, I might not have a job, but I’ve got a big head.  It turns out a couple of people actually do read this thing.  I was telling my wife, “Wow, I got three comments this is the most response I’ve ever had.”  “Well…” my wife said, “…you had something traumatic happen so people are concerned.”  So from now on, all blog entries are going to be extremely over-sensationalized.  Hence, the alien probing.  It didn’t really happen as  I had to draw the line somewhere.  I just told the little guy, “Yeah…I’m very impressed that your finger lights up, but you just keep it to yourself!”

Yesterday after I left my place of employment for the last time, I thought to myself, “What am I going to do tomorrow?”  I’ve been waking up and going to some sort of mortgage job every day for almost 10 years…now what?  Well, now that it as about half way through the day, I have my answer of what people do on their first day of unemployment.    It basically consists of talking to a wise man and sweating with about 50 women in tights.

The wise man is my Pastor,  Dr. Wayne Braudrick.  I’ve been extremely blessed in the sense of having some very, very good Pastor’s in my day.  In my six years of being a Christian, I’ve been Pastored by the best of them.  Some of the men I have had the privilege of seeing and hearing include: Chuck Swindoll, Jack Graham, Rick Warren, Chuck Smith,  Reverend Lovejoy (just seeing if you are paying attention), and Pete and Stuart Briscoe.  ALL of them are extremely gifted at serving the Lord, but Pastor Wayne Braudrick is in a class of his own.  For those of you who haven’t had the privilege of meeting Pastor Wayne of Frisco Bible Church, think of….mmm… maybe Yoda.  Pastor Wayne is probably even wiser than Yoda, but Yoda has more wrinkles and is probably a little taller than Pastor Wayne. 

Pastor Wayne, in his infinite wisdom, said, “Tom, we would be thrilled to have you guys back!  We would kill the fattest calf and welcome you guys back here with open arms.”  Now, I’m not sure why he would threaten my life like that, but sometimes he’s just crazy.  “But…” he continued, “we would be just as thrilled if you went somewhere else that you felt the Lord was leading you.”  As our conversation went on, he hit me with, “How could you best use the gifts God has given you?”  Hmm…very good question Jedi-Master.

When it comes to gifts God has given me, I think I might have been cheated.  I got stuck with the very uncool gift of tongues.  Well…I think I did anyway.  It’s either that or my wife is right and I actually do mumble.  Nahhh…I’m pretty sure my wife can’t be right (not at least that I’m going to admit to publicly anyway).  So…what gifts do I have and how can I use them for God’s glory?  That might be the question of the day for this 1st day of unemployment.

After getting off the phone with Pastor Wayne, my wife and I took our kids to school and then headed to the gym.  I was planning on doing something manly like pumping iron, but my wife asked if I wanted to do “Cardio kickboxing” with her.  So, I got a little aerobic workout in and since it went exactly like something I wrote about in my “book,” I figured I would just reprint it here free of charge.  This was from the chapter, “Buy some tights!”

            This weekend you need to go to an athletic apparel store, and get yourself some sort of leotard (a pink one maybe?).  Now I know some of you haven’t bought tights before, so here is my advice: Make sure the pair you buy accentuates your love handles (maybe neon pink even?).  While you are in there, go ahead and pick up some leg warmers and a headband.  As soon as your outfit is complete, you can start wearing it everywhere.

          Now go to the gym in your new outfit and spend the day scoping out when it is the most crowded.  You want to specifically look for Aerobics classes where it looks like the participants resemble sardines.  When you find one that looks completely packed, go right in (even if they are halfway through the class).  Now as you may or may not know, location is everything in an aerobics class.  Remember that neon pink leotard you just bought?  You want to make sure everyone gets to appreciate not only it, but also the love handles it is accentuating for you.

          For this reason, I usually want to make sure you go right to the front of the class.  You either want to start a new row three feet in front of the instructor or just go directly next to her.  Since she is facing the class, you probably should also.  Now that you are up there, start dancing your butt off!  The rest of the class has probably already been there before and they’ve got to practice being in sync.  Ignore them.  Show them your flashdance impression.  Let the music move you!  In fact, it probably isn’t a bad idea to sing loudly, “I’m a maniac, Maniac dancing on the floor.  And I’m dancin’ like I never have before!”          The rest of the class is going to be moving right, moving left, frontwards, backwards, making circles with their arms, and kicking their legs.  They are all going to basically be moving together.  This is good so that they don’t get in your way.  While they are making circles with their arms, you’ve become a fighter plane.  Stick your arms out to your sides and run up and down their rows making jet noises.  Feel free to weave in and out of the rest of the group and verbally “shoot down” anyone that gets in your way. 

          When they start kicking their legs, you start kicking your legs.  You’ve seen the Rockettes right?  Do a couple of their high kicks (feel free to lean on your aerobics instructor for support).  After a few of these, go ahead and let the class do their little kicks.  You should move right into a full-fledged karate routine.  Now as you kick and karate chop, don’t forget your loud, “HIIII-YAAA!” That’s it.  You’re done.  You’ve just completed your first aerobics class.  Bow to your instructor and then bow to the class.  You technically don’t have to bow to the big dumbell that is escorting you out of your first aerobics class, but you might want to remind him to get his hands off your leotard. 

Okay…now that we know what my talents aren’t (writing), I better go do something productive from my wife’s honey-do list that has been piling up for the past 9 1/2 years.